Getting Started with Declarative Language: A Gentle Invitation

Stepping into declarative language isn’t about getting it “right.” It’s about exploring a different way of communicating—one that feels more connected, more collaborative, and more focused on regulation and well-being rather than outcomes.

If it feels unfamiliar at first, that’s okay. New things often do. One parent recently shared,

"At first, I kept catching myself giving directions, and I’d awkwardly try to switch mid-sentence—‘Put your shoes on… I mean, oh! I see your shoes by the door!’ It felt clunky, and my child definitely noticed."

Learning something new, especially in parenting, means stepping into messy moments, playful re-dos, and plenty of opportunities for rupture and repair. We don’t have to pretend we know what we’re doing—we can bring our children into our learning process with us. This parent decided to name it directly:

"One day, I just said, ‘I’m trying something new with how I talk because I want us to be able to share more and understand one another better. I might sound weird sometimes, but I’ll get the hang of it!’ My child laughed and said, ‘Yeah, you do sound weird.’ And just like that, we had a moment of connection."

This kind of transparency invites our children into the process, rather than making them feel like something is just happening to them. They get to see us learning, stretching, and—most importantly—repairing when we inevitably stumble. 😆

💡 Communication Is More Than Words

Declarative language isn’t just about what we say—it’s about how we show up in connection and daily moments. Communication is a full-body experience, shaped by our:

🔹 Non-verbal communication (eye gaze, gestures, pointing, facial expressions, body posture)
🔹 Nervous system state (engaged, regulated, connected, irritable, activated, scared, slow, checked out, shut down)
🔹 Emotional state (joyful, playful, content, curious, anxious, sad, angry, frustrated)

This isn’t a strategy to get something from a child. We’re not using declarative language to steer them toward a specific action or compliance. Instead, we’re offering information, sharing curiosity, and inviting connection without expectation.

At its heart, communication is relational, not hierarchical. Instead of focusing on delivering words, we can tune into a back-and-forth flow—where we notice and attune to a child’s cues, adjust if needed, respond warmly, and create a sense of shared understanding. This co-regulatory foundation matters more than any specific words we say.

No agenda. No hidden pressure. Just openness, collaboration, and partnership.

🔹 Noticing Your Child’s Non-Verbal Communication

A child may communicate without words by:
👀 Glancing toward a toy they want but not saying anything verbally.
🖐 Pointing at the door instead of saying, “I want to go outside.”
😜 Making a silly face to invite connection instead of saying, “Play with me.”
📝 Using pictures, written words, or assistive devices to express needs, ideas, or feelings.

If we only focus on spoken words, we miss the many ways our children are already communicating with us.

Instead of expecting a child to adapt to our preferred communication style, we can meet them where they are and build a connection that feels safe, responsive, and reciprocal.

Communication is truly a beautiful back-and-forth experience that can honor everyone’s communication styles. When we lean in like this, we can better meet our kids where they are, build trust, and offer more experiences of felt-safety. Over time, this deepens connection and allows us to become more attuned and responsive in our approach.

Ways to Explore Declarative Language

🔹 Notice & Narrate Instead of Directing

Rather than telling your child what to do, try casually observing what’s happening—like being a friendly narrator in their world.
💭 “I see your shoes by the door.” (Instead of: “Put your shoes on.”)
💭 “There’s a spoon on the counter if you need one.” (Instead of: “Get a spoon.”)

✨ Playful Re-Do Idea: If you catch yourself giving a directive, you can pause and switch it up:
👉 “Oops, that sounded bossy! What I meant to say was—‘Your coat is right here if you need it.’” (while looking toward the coat with a soft, inviting expression)

🔹 Wonder Out Loud

Inviting curiosity can make things feel more open-ended and engaging. There’s no expectation to answer—just space to process.
💭 “I wonder what would happen if we stacked these blocks really high.” (with an excited, curious facial expression)
💭 “I wonder if your body is telling you it needs a snack.” (placing a hand on stomach as a gentle cue)
💭 “I wonder where that missing sock could be hiding.” (looking around playfully)

✨ Playful Re-Do Idea: Make it fun—
👉 “Hmm, I wonder where the missing sock ran away to.” (tracing a curious finger over closed lips, playfully scanning the room)

🔹 Offer Your Communication Without Expectation

Instead of directing, offer what you’re doing aloud, allowing space for natural engagement. Your child can join in if and when it feels right.
💭 “I’m putting my shoes on. I’m almost ready to go outside.” (grabbing own shoes with ease)
💭 “I’m getting a snack before we head out.” (heading toward the kitchen in a relaxed way)
💭 “I’m bringing my jacket just in case it’s cold.” (grabbing jacket and slipping it on comfortably)

✨ Playful Re-Do Idea: If transitions feel tricky, some kids enjoy if we narrate through their favorite toy instead:
👉 “Oh, Teddy’s putting his coat on! He looks excited to go outside.” (playfully engaging with Teddy, giving space for the child to join in or observe)

🔹 Offer Soft Invitations Instead of Commands

Instead of making something feel like a demand, leave room for choice and autonomy.
💭 “I’m happy to help with that if you’d like.” (offering support with warmth, no pressure)
💭 “You’re welcome to join me when you’re ready.” (soft smile, relaxed posture)
💭 “I put your water bottle on the table in case you need it.” (placing it down gently, stepping away to remove any pressure)

✨ Playful Re-Do Idea: Add a little humor—
👉 “The water bottle is waiting for you. It looks lonely!” (giggling softly while glancing at the water bottle on the counter, no expectation to respond)

💜 Why These Small Shifts Matter

Each of these small tweaks helps reduce pressure, invite collaboration, and create a sense of felt-safety. By pairing relaxed body language, gentle tone, and genuine curiosity with declarative language, we create a true back-and-forth flow of communication—one that feels inviting, spacious, and connected.

🔹 Accept Silence & Non-Responses

Declarative language doesn’t require a specific response. It’s an open door, not a test. If your child doesn’t engage, that’s okay! They’re still taking it in, processing in their own way, and may respond later—or not at all.

✨ Playful Re-Do Idea: If a moment doesn’t land, no pressure—just let it be or try again in a different way later.

💡 Quick Tip: Keep It Genuine

When using declarative language, authenticity matters. Only say things that feel true to you. If you know where the sock is, don’t pretend you don’t. Instead, you might say:

💭 “Oh! I see the sock under the table.” (bending down and looking under the table)
💭 “Aha, there’s your sock peeking out from behind the chair!” (bending a bit sideways to look around the chair)

The goal isn’t to perform curiosity—it’s to invite genuine connection and engagement in a way that feels natural and real.

💡 Note: Attunement Matters

Humor, playfulness, and declarative language are most effective when they’re attuned to both you and your child. While declarative language is a lower-demand communication approach, it can still feel misattuned or activating depending on a child’s nervous system, sensory profile, or cognitive processing style.

Pay attention to how your communication is landing. You don’t need to be perfect—just notice and learn from different experiences. If a particular approach leads to discomfort or frustration, it’s an opportunity to reflect:

✨ Does my child enjoy this kind of humor, or does it feel like pressure or misattuned?
✨ Are my playful re-dos landing as fun, or are they creating confusion?
✨ Is my child needing more predictability and directness right now?

Some children thrive on silly exaggeration, while others find it overwhelming. Some love imaginative wondering, while others prefer concrete, factual statements.

By staying open and responsive, we can adjust and personalize our approach—supporting true connection, felt-safety, and co-regulation for both of us. 💜

💡 Building Trust Takes Time

Declarative language doesn’t require a specific response. It’s an open door, not a test. If your child doesn’t engage, that’s okay! They’re still taking it in.

When we first start using more declarative language—especially if we’ve often relied on questions, directives, commands, or prompts—it can take time for our children to trust that we’re genuinely shifting away from placing ongoing demands.

At first, they might:
💭 Hesitate
💭 Ignore
💭 Test whether there’s an expectation hidden beneath our words

That’s okay. Trust builds over time.

As they experience us communicating without pressure, they’ll begin to engage more naturally, in their own way, and at their own pace. Knowing this can help us stay patient, regulate ourselves, and lean into connection rather than urgency. 💜

💭 A Quick Reflection: "It's Not Working!"

If you notice yourself thinking, "It’s not working," that’s a great moment to pause with curiosity. Declarative language isn’t a technique to get a child to respond—it’s an offering, a way of being in connection.

Instead of looking for an immediate outcome, you might gently shift to:
✨ “Hmm, I wonder what my child is needing right now?”
✨ “What’s happening in their nervous system?”
✨ “How can I bring more warmth, playfulness, or openness into this moment?”
✨ “What do I need right now? Am I needing regulation, soothing sensory input, or connection with another adult?”

Sometimes, declarative language is simply planting a seed. Your child may not respond right now, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t taking it in.

💜 A Gentle Closing Reminder

There’s no one perfect way to do this. Some moments will be easy, some will feel clunky, and it’s all okay. If a phrase doesn’t connect, you can always adjust, try again, or simply let it go.

The goal isn’t to change your child—it’s to build a communication style that offers cues of felt-safety and co-regulation, builds trust and connection, and over time true partnership.

The goal isn’t to change your child—it’s to build connection, offer more cues of felt-safety and co-regulation, and build a true partnership.

And the best part? When we invite our children into our learning journey, we’re not just modeling our own growth and flexibility—we’re also showing them that mistakes, misattunement, and moments of disconnection happen in all relationships, all the time! But that doesn’t mean disconnection forever. Rupture and repair are a natural, ongoing part of being in relationship—and when repair happens, it actually strengthens the relationship, deepens trust, and shows our children that relationships can hold mistakes with care.

If you’d like to explore rupture and repair more deeply, check out this podcast episode by Robyn Gobbel—it’s a great resource for normalizing these moments in all relationships. 💜

👉 What to do after we mess up

💜 An Invitation to Connect

If you’re navigating how to build a more authentic, connection-based communication environment, you’re already doing something beautiful—prioritizing relationship over rules, collaboration over control, and trust over urgency.

There’s no one-size-fits-all model, no rigid steps—just the ongoing practice of noticing, adapting, and growing together. If you’d like support in developing your affirming practice, I’m here.

We’re all in this together.

💜 Big hugs,
Adrianne