A Different Kind of Play Therapy Moment: Co-Regulation in Action
Mar 08, 2025
๐ก The Main Takeaways (if you only have a moment right now!)
๐ฟ Recognizing your own nervous system state creates space for deeper attunement to the child’s needs, allowing you to offer genuine felt-safety and co-regulation.
๐ฟ PDAers need autonomy and felt-safety to engage and connect authentically—pressure and external agendas activate protective responses.
๐ฟ Therapists can offer more cues of felt-safety by noticing and regulating their own nervous system responses, partnering with the child, and releasing expectations that create pressure.
๐ฟ Shifting from power-over to power-with invites genuine connection and engagement with PDAers.
๐ฟ Low-demand, low-arousal, and flexible approaches reduce stress, allowing PDAers to access their full capacity at their own pace. Flexibility comes from the therapist—not the child.
๐ฟ Opt-in and opt-out participation ensures therapy remains a low-pressure invitation, not an expectation.
๐ A Different Kind of Play Therapy Moment
As you read along, I invite you to simply notice what comes up for you—whatever that may be.
Jonah loved to build things. Most of his therapy sessions were spent stacking blocks, knocking them down, and rearranging them in elaborate patterns. One day, he was carefully placing the final piece on a tall tower when it suddenly toppled over. His body stiffened, his breath hitched, and he froze.
The therapist, noticing this and wanting to encourage problem-solving and resilience, instinctively leaned in with a bright but somewhat forced smile. “Oh no! Let’s rebuild it together.”
Jonah didn’t respond. He stared at the scattered blocks, his hands clenching into fists. His mother, watching from the corner of the room, recognized the shift—she sensed his nervous system was on high alert.
The therapist had been trained to encourage persistence, resilience, and emotional regulation in moments like this. A familiar instinct arose—the urge to help him “work through” the frustration and gently guide him toward pushing past it. But something felt off. She could feel tension rising in her own body, a quiet unease creeping in. Am I supporting him if I simply sit with this moment, rather than guiding him toward persistence?
Feeling the pressure to do something, she softened her voice and tried to appear calm while keeping him engaged. “I can hold the base while you put the top on.”
But Jonah felt the shift in dynamic—a power imbalance he couldn’t tolerate- and the therapist's growing dysregulation. His shoulders tightened. His breath grew shallow.
“No! You fix it!” His voice was sharp now, his nervous system fully activated.
The therapist paused. She noticed her own body tensing, her thinking becoming foggy. Urgency. Doubt. A tightness in her stomach. She realized she was dysregulated too. A quiet inner voice reminded her: “First, regulate yourself.”
She glanced at a soothing picture on the wall, offering herself a cue of felt-safety. She took a slow, grounding breath, softened her shoulders, exhaled deeply, and let go of the internal pressure to ‘get it right’ or be the 'expert.' She reminded herself: felt-safety and co-regulation are the foundation for engagement and learning.
Now in a more regulated state, her good thinking remembered what true co-regulation is not—it’s not control, not consistency, not pressure. It’s presence. Attunement. Partnership. Reciprocity. Being With.
She recalled Robyn Gobbel’s wisdom: “We can listen, attune, and hold the fire without trying to put it out.”
This wasn’t defiance. This was his nervous system protecting itself from overwhelm. Jonah felt scared and unsafe—he needed understanding, not expectation.
With this shift, the therapist was now able to meet Jonah where he was.
She exhaled. “Okay,” she said with some energy and a genuine smile, picking up a few blocks and stacking them. “I’ve got this part.”
Then she simply held space—offering presence, without expectation.
Something inside her shifted. She felt herself open—offering cues of felt-safety, no longer stuck in her own dysregulation forcing an agenda.
Jonah watched. Slowly, his body relaxed. A few moments later, he hesitantly reached for a block, glancing at her, and then placed it on top.
The therapist gently smiled. “Sorry I pushed a little hard there. Thanks for letting me have a re-do.”
Jonah grinned. “Anytime. We’re all learning.”
What really happened here?
The therapist had initially fallen into a top-down, expectation-based approach—but she noticed and attuned to her body and mind's cues and clues. She noticed her own dysregulation and regulated herself first, before offering to support Jonah.
In doing so, she created space for him to reconnect on his own terms. She hadn’t “encouraged resilience” by making him persist—she had focused on her own nervous system felt-safety and regulation first.
And that offering—her humanity, her imperfection, and her willingness to repair—was what truly invited Jonah back into connection, trust, and engagement. Moments like this are what actually build resilience, trust, and a deep sense of safety in relationships.
๐น Reflections for Play Therapists
These are not steps to follow, but possibilities to explore—an invitation to shift from 'getting' to giving in an attuned, responsive way. Rather than focusing on outcomes, we can center presence, partnership, and trust.
There’s no single “right” way to approach these moments. Instead of strategies to implement, here are some gentle invitations to consider as you develop your approach:
๐ฟ Noticing your own felt-safety and regulation – Children perceive us through neuroception—the nervous system’s subconscious scanning to detect safety or threat (Dr. Stephen Porges). How might slowing down, tuning into your own needs and well-being, or releasing expectations shift the dynamic, offering more cues of felt-safety?
๐ฟ Sitting with the moment – Sometimes, quiet, attuned presence is the most powerful support. What happens when we trust that simply being with is enough?
๐ฟ Meeting the child where they are – How might truly following their lead, rather than guiding, foster more autonomy and trust? What shifts when we let go of therapy goals and interventions and trust that felt-safety and self-direction are a great guide?
๐ฟ Inviting, not expecting – What happens when we offer possibilities, collaboration, and co-creation instead of directives or hidden agendas? How might transparency and openness create a greater sense of agency and choice for the child, and us?
๐ฟ Trusting the process – Growth unfolds in its own time, without force, urgency, or adult agendas. For a PDAer, this might take weeks, months, or even years—and that’s okay.
This is an ongoing, relational process—one that invites curiosity, the imperfect and messy experiences of being human, adaptability, and deep listening. ๐
๐ Supporting the Whole Family
๐ฟ Simply attending therapy can be an immense energy drain for PDAers and their families, who often have limited capacity and energy due to ongoing demands and minimal support. Recognizing this reality can help deepen trust and relational safety.
๐ฟ Play therapy doesn’t happen in isolation—PDA children exist within the larger context of their families, who are often navigating the complexities of neurodivergence within social, educational, and healthcare systems that don’t align with ND needs. Many families are balancing multiple family member's support needs, daily life stressors, and the ongoing demands of caregiving day and night—often with little external support. ๐
๐ฟ The primary parent or caregiver is often under immense strain. If they’ve been navigating this for years, they may also be managing chronic health conditions, nervous system burnout, or unmet support needs. Many parents are also neurodivergent—perhaps just beginning to uncover this after a lifetime of masking and unmet needs, or still on their own journey of self-discovery. Like their children, they may experience fluctuating capacity, spiky profiles, and deep exhaustion from years of pushing through without adequate support.
๐ฟ Shifting from judgment to deeper understanding—Acknowledging this reality with curiosity, affirmation, and compassion helps move away from well-intended but potentially invalidating responses or unconscious biases. When therapists support not just the child but also the caregivers, they become part of the much-needed community support system, helping to reduce stress across the entire family.
๐ฟ Supporting parents builds capacity—By resourcing parents, we create more space for them to offer connection, co-regulation, and presence to their child—and to show up in the ways they truly want to. ๐ฑ๐
Ways to Support the Whole Family
๐ฟ Collaborate with parents and caregivers – They are the true experts on their child’s needs, regulation patterns, and what actually works at home.
๐ฟ Acknowledge caregiver stress and burnout – Many PDA families are already operating in survival mode. Felt-safety isn’t just for the child—it extends to caregivers, too. Acknowledging burnout doesn’t mean taking on their stress—it means holding space without adding more expectations.
๐ฟ Offer co-regulation for the whole family – When caregivers experience co-regulation from the therapist, it has a ripple effect. It helps resource them by meeting their needs for connection and feeling truly seen and understood, opening space within them to offer more felt-safety and co-regulation to their child.
๐ฟ Recognize the stigma and misunderstanding parents of PDAers face – Many parents raising PDAers are frequently judged and mistreated for their parenting choices. What is often misinterpreted as passivity or “giving in” is usually a thoughtful, low-demand approach—or simply the reality of burnout and survival mode.
๐ฟ Adopt a trauma-aware, compassionate lens – Parents of PDAers are often marginalized, isolated, and deeply misunderstood. Therapists can provide meaningful support by recognizing this reality and validating their lived experiences. The truth is, if you haven’t walked this path, there are complexities you don't see and can't fully understand—and that’s okay. Approaching with humility, deep listening, and a willingness to learn makes all the difference. ๐
By holding space for the whole family’s nervous systems, therapy becomes not just about the child’s experience in sessions, but about long-term, sustainable relational safety-building the family's support system. ๐
๐ Advocacy and Dismantling Ableism in Therapy Documentation
๐ฟ Consider how therapy notes reflect the child and family – Traditional medical-based documentation is often steeped in ableism. Dismantling this within therapy notes and documentation is an important step toward affirming, neurodivergent-affirming care. Using thoughtful, strengths-based language helps support families without pathologizing their adaptive approaches or the child’s autistic profile. ๐ฑ Stay tuned for a future blog post on this! ๐กโจ
๐ Final Thought: The Power of Power-With
There’s no one "right" way to do this—only ongoing opportunities to learn, notice, and adjust in ways that feel authentic to you and the PDAers you support. It’s not about getting it “perfect”; it’s about being curious, trying, and naturally making mistakes along the way. It’s about repairing when needed and being open to saying, “I don’t know” or “I’m not sure”—then listening and learning from lived experiences.
This moment in therapy wasn’t about teaching Jonah a lesson or guiding him toward resilience. It was about showing up with him, in regulation, without expectation.
This isn’t just good practice—it’s essential for PDA well-being, engagement, and healing.
๐ฟ What happens when we release control and step into presence? We create space for authentic engagement to emerge—naturally, and in its own time. ๐
๐ An Invitation to Connect
If you’re navigating how to support PDAers in a way that feels affirming, sustainable, and truly connected, I’d love to walk alongside you. Whether you’re just beginning to shift your approach or already deeply engaged in this work, I meet you where you are—with compassion, hope, and an honest, grounded understanding of PDA and neurodivergent needs.
There’s no one-size-fits-all model, no rigid steps—just the ongoing practice of noticing, adapting, and growing together. If you’d like support in developing your affirming practice, I’m here.
You’re not alone in this.
๐ Big hugs,
Adrianne
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If this post resonated with you, you may also also enjoy:
๐ Why "Pushing Through" Demand Avoidance is Harmful for PDAers: A Guide for Play Therapists – Learn why traditional persistence-based approaches can backfire for PDAers and how to create therapy environments that honor autonomy and felt-safety.
Let’s continue learning, adapting, and growing together in affirming, compassionate ways. ๐
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